Discovered in Maine: Proof Obama is NOT Superman!
He’s the biggest celebrity on the planet, and there he was, walking around a coastal Maine community just like a normal person.
Well, not exactly like a normal person. A normal person wouldn’t attract the police, the gawkers, and the media. A normal person could eat ice cream or drink coffee in public without provoking international speculation about his choices and his motives. A normal person doesn’t wear a red cape and skintight blue longjohns with a big “S” on the chest.
What? You say President Obama doesn’t dress like that? At least, not when he’s on vacation? Are you trying to tell me Obama was here in Maine?
Well, I’m sorry, but I wasn’t aware of that. I must have missed his visit due to the overwhelming responsibility of covering the arrival of a truly important guest. Given that workload, I can’t be expected to stay on top of every ordinary tourist who happens to wander through the state buying up clamshell ashtrays and moose-turd earrings.
What I’m saying is, I wasn’t referring to the president. I was talking about Superman.
Of course, it wasn’t really Superman, who is a fictional character much like an effective Congress. This person in the Superman costume was actually a homeless man from Georgia, who said he’s visiting all fifty state capitals to call attention to the plight of homeless veterans, although he’s not a vet himself, nor was Superman.
It wasn’t clear whether he’d made it to Augusta, yet, but let’s hope so, because the Cumberland cops gave him a lift to Falmouth, which is in the opposite direction. (I wonder if he thinks Portland is still the capital.) The officers reportedly let Superman out near a Starbucks, after taking his photo.
One important footnote to this incident: The Daily Sun story repeatedly referred to Superman as the “caped crusader.” As anyone who didn’t waste his or her time in high school studying algebra, world history and irregular French verbs knows from reading comic books, Superman is actually the Man of Steel.
It’s Batman who is the Caped Crusader.
Well, I suppose that if Obama was here, I ought to mention it, just so this blog will continue to maintain a complete record of every important incident in Maine since 1492. Frankly, I’d have thought the president would have devoted his limited opportunities for relaxation to sunbathing on the Gulf Coast, particularly after First Lady Michelle Obama urged Americans to vacation there to help the area recover from the destruction caused by Superman’s last battle with Lex Luthor. Or something.
As a result of the president’s decision to instead spend a weekend on Mount Desert Island, he took some serious flack from critics, such as Republicans and Gulf Coast hotel owners, but the Maine media ignored that carping, concentrating instead on the historical nature of the visit.
It turns out that Obama wasn’t the first president to visit Bar Harbor and vicinity.
Ulysses S. Grant had planned a weekend getaway on the island in the summer of 1873, but got lost in the fog and was never seen again, calling into the question the obvious answer to the query, “Who’s buried in Grant’s tomb?”
Chester Arthur took a steamship to Mount Desert in 1882. Some historians believe Arthur might have been president at one time or another, although no one seems quite sure when that might have been. In 1889, President Benjamin Harrison hit the waterfront bars along with his host James G. Blaine, who was secretary of state at the time and who later lent his name to the governor’s mansion in Augusta, the Jimmy G. House.
Exactly a century ago, William Howard Taft, America’s fattest president, played golf on the island, until it began to sink and he was asked to leave.
As for Obama, he and his family went bicycle riding and hiking in Acadia National Park, prompting criticism from Republicans and other national parks.
He then ate an ice cream cone, from Mount Desert Island Ice Cream, which has a sign that shows a hand holding a spoon. Because the hand is black, this symbol prompted bloggers to conclude Obama had patronized a shop owned by Black Panthers with a cooking fetish. The Secret Service promptly investigated and determined there was no truth to those rumors.
“The owner is actually a member of al Qaeda,” an agent told the media.
Just kidding. Although, the IED-blueberry flavor does raise some eyebrows.
Before leaving the subject of Obama, there’s a sad footnote. When the president visited Portland in April, he praised Bill Milliken, co-owner of Maine Beer and Beverage, and tongue in cheek, asked for a sample of local brews. Milliken dutifully assembled a basket of bottles and sent it off to Washington.
Where it ran into a bureaucratic roadblock.
The White House refuses to accept gifts of food, such as quarts of Mount Desert Island rocket-propelled-grenade-raspberry ice cream, because you never know who might try to poison the president. Anything of that nature delivered to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is crushed. Because crushing has a significant negative impact on the flavor of beer (“hints of glass shards, paper labels and glue added a surprising – and crunchy – finish to this unusual brew”), the basket was never delivered. Instead, it was drunk by Ulysses S. Grant, who only recently returned from being fogbound on the Maine coast.
Because of the beer snafu, Obama was criticized by Republicans and drunks.
Once the president departed, the state got back to normal.
No more high security.
No more national media.
No more guys in Superman suits.
Just ordinary Maine people getting back to their ordinary lives.
For instance, Jessica Miller of Bangor, a professor of philosophy and a bioethicist, got busy on the paper she’s scheduled to deliver this fall to the American Society for Bioethics and Humanity on the topic of:
Ethics, schmethics. When it comes to vampires, I’m sticking with garlic, wooden stakes and silver bullets. And if that Superman guy is still around, maybe he could help.
Al Diamon never drinks … wine. He drinks beer. Which he is not planning on sharing with any presidents. Criticism from Republicans and people who think he should be more generous can be e-mailed to firstname.lastname@example.org.