According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Maine has one of the highest divorce rates among men in the United States. 

Higher than Nevada.

Higher than California.

Way higher than New York.

In fact, Maine men split from their spouses more frequently than residents of any other state except Arkansas, where it’s legal to marry close relatives and farm animals. Maine women do considerably better, preserving the bonds of matrimony at a rate well above the national average.

Indiana Faithfull, come back to Maine. All is forgiven.

We no longer care that you’re Australian.

We’re over our hurt that you played this past season for a school located elsewhere.

We don’t even mind that you’re named after another state.

The fact is, we need you here, right now. Because Maine has fallen seriously off the pace in producing athletes with funny names.

Sorry, that’s politically incorrect. What I meant was team members with oddball monikers.

Still no good?

You can swear all you want in this state. Of course, the fact that swearing is free speech, protected under the U.S. Constitution’s First Amendment (“Congress, those #@*^!?>%, shall make no &*{}?!@ law restricting the rights of %+#@!?* law-abiding citizens to tell it exactly what they #%&()*!?+ think of it”), doesn’t stop some people from trying to stop others from exercising their right to spout off.

Unless you’re a hardcore baseball fan, Sunday, July 31, was probably just another day in your wretched excuse for a life. Maybe you mowed the lawn. Took the kids to the beach. Tried to help Congress solve the debt-ceiling problem.