You remember Patsy, don’t you? My hairdresser? Well, she recently went in for a hysterectomy. I guess she was due to have it for some time. Still, it was a shock. Nowadays, where most surgeries are laparoscopic, this one is still the old fashioned kind, with cutting and weeks of recovery. I mean, anytime they let you stay overnight in the hospital, you know it’s serious!
By nature, I’m not a subtle person. If I think somebody is a booger-brain, then I’m not inclined to refer to that individual by some contrived euphemism, such as claiming he or she suffers from a condition that causes a backup of nostril mucous into the cranial cavity. I come right out and call a booger-brain a booger-brain.
We had a little get-together to celebrate my sister Irene’s birthday last week, just the family. If you’re not going to spring clean, the next best thing is to have a party at your house. They say you should have two a year: one in the warm weather and one in cool. That way, you’re motivated to do a couple of good, deep cleanings, and get your yard in order, to boot.
I’m not about to criticize somebody for being insulting. That would make me a hypocrite.
After all, in my other life as a political columnist, I make my living insulting people. Well, not people exactly. More like elected officials, bureaucrats, candidates, activists, and other assorted whackjobs.
They’re similar to people, except they put out more press releases.
Well, Charlie and me went to Bangor to see the new “Robin Hood” movie this weekend, you know, the one with Russell Crowe. See, Charlie’s kind of partial to them “hand to hand combat” movies, and I have a thing for Russell Crowe. You throw in dinner at the Olive Garden beforehand, and it’s a win/win for both of us.
The following story is true.
True, that is, in somewhat the same sense that the things gubernatorial candidates say are true. A few insignificant details may have been slightly altered in order to protect the identities of the innocent subjects. (And to improve the joke.)
Nevertheless, this story mostly really happened and is a good deal more interesting than the things gubernatorial candidates say. Also, a good deal weirder.
Well, I just finished my birthday week. Actually I celebrate the whole month, but the week of is especially festive.
Most people probably think they know when they’re doing something that’s against the law in Maine.
Littering? Everybody ought to be aware that’s illegal.
Meth lab in the kitchen? No question you’ve got a law-enforcement problem.
Pyramid scheme involving sales of oil leases in the Georges Banks? Get lawyered up in a hurry.
In other areas, though, it can be tough to tell which side of the law you’re on.
Going topless in public? It’s legal for both men and women.
Well, it’s official. For the third year in a row, Mahoosuc Mills is number one in the Franklin County Town Employees Bowling League. In fact, we’ve been in the top three for a couple of decades now. That’s because we have a bona fide ringer on our team: Sadie Dupris, our town librarian. You’ve heard of Minnesota Fats? Well, we call her Virginia Slims. She’s that good!
I’m predicting with some confidence that for the next couple of months, there won’t be any more topless women parading through the streets of Maine’s cities and towns.