What is Canada Up To?
Something suspicious is going on across Maine’s northern border.
Or maybe not. It could just be that Canadians have a naturally shifty look. Probably a harmless side effect of being bilingual.
Nevertheless, it’s been a week filled with strange occurrences, many of them directly traceable to the exotic foreign influence of Canada. Once you’ve viewed the evidence, I doubt you’ll hesitate in demanding that Congress authorize the president to conduct an all-out nuclear strike on Saskatoon.
Or whatever the capital of Canada is.
Clearly, there’s no time to do research on that. New Hampshire made the mistake of hesitating, and look what happened. It had its record for the highest recorded wind speed on earth stolen away by Canada.
Well, technically, it was stolen by Australia. But what’s Australia except Canada south? And isn’t it just like those slippery Canadians to get a bunch of cuddly koalas and kangaroos to do their dirty work?
Mount Washington in New Hampshire’s White Mountains had held the wind-speed record since 1934, when – in an effort coordinated by the Civilian Conservation Corps – everyone in the state exhaled simultaneously, producing a gust measured at 231 miles per hour. Now, the Aussies are claiming they broke wind ( a quaint expression they use Down Under) during a 1996 cyclone at the speed of more than 253 miles per hour.
Wait. 1996? What took them so long to notice?
According to an anonymous source close to the Canadian intelligence (could someone please shut off the oxymoron alarm) organization, the delay is the result of indifference. As it turns out, almost the only people who care about the fastest wind speed record are folks in New Hampshire.
“It’s a big deal to them,” said my source, “and I think there’s also some kind of weird wind-speed cult in Burundi, but nobody else pays much attention to that stuff.
I can hear you (or it could be my editor) asking, “Uh, Al. what does this have to do with us here in Maine?”
I can hear me replying, “Plenty.”
Earlier this month, a man from Skowhegan was fishing on Lake George in Canaan, when he landed a rainbow trout that weighed seven pounds.
This past week, the state Department of Inland Fisheries and Wildlife certified that fish as a state record, surpassing a six and a half pound rainbow caught in the Androscoggin River in 2007.
Now, I know what you’re wondering. You’re wondering what any self-respecting trout would be doing in the Androscoggin River and what sort of polluted mutant creatures it had to eat to gain that much weight.
Best not to ask. Particularly in front of the Canadians.
But it might be wise to inquire as to how Maine’s biggest rainbow stacks up (metaphorically speaking, since actually stacking the slippery critters is more trouble than it’s worth) against the largest of its species from around the globe.
The answer: not too well. And to add insult to injury, the champion rainbow of all time – a 48 pounder – was caught in Canada.
The guy who hooked it used a seven-pound fish for bait.
A pattern is starting to emerge. The Canadians are feeding both their cyclones and their fish steroids. Also, they’re hoarding all the world records worth holding, so that someday soon they’ll completely dominate the Guinness Book of World Records. After that, it’ll be a small step to actual world domination.
Don’t laugh. That’s how Alexander the Great and Lex Luthor both got started.
Further evidence of this nefarious plot: Last October, a Maine state trooper was chasing what appeared to be a drunk driver in Lubec, when the seemingly woozy operator of the pickup truck swerved onto the Roosevelt Memorial Bridge and escaped onto Campobello Island, which is part of New Brunswick – behind the Maple Leaf Curtain.
The trooper pursued the suspect until she discovered she had unintentionally violated the international boundary, whereupon she launched several surface-to-air missiles at Canadian choppers that were attempting to intercept her.
Well, to tell the truth, that isn’t exactly what happened. I got a little carried away in my nationalistic zeal to avenge the wind and trout records. In fact, the errant statie merely turned around and went back to the United States. The guy she was chasing was later charged with returning to Canada without a pilfered American record and sentenced to clean and pan fry 48-pound trout until he had seen the error of his ways or until everybody in the province had had all the fish they could eat, whichever took longer.
No one said Canadian justice isn’t harsh.
Amazingly, American justice seems to be even harsher. This past week, the trooper was disciplined for accidentally entering Canada, for bringing down two choppers with her missiles, for blowing up the international bridge to cover her escape and for signing a contract to allow Sharon Stone to play her in the movie version of the story.
This valiant law-enforcement official got suspended for two days without pay. Two days! Makes you wonder if Canadian operatives haven’t already infiltrated the highest levels of our state police disciplinary system. I’ll have to remember to ask my source in Canadian intelligence (is there a fire? oh, it’s the oxymoron alarm, again) about that.
Which will be easier, since I’ll soon be able to fly directly to Toronto (hey, maybe that’s the capital – better hold off on those nukes for Saskatoon) from Portland International Jetport.
Air Canada has announced that it will begin daily service to Portland and six other U.S. cities in order to facilitate the placing of agents in places where there are records to be stolen. Portland, for instance, is the current holder of the title for “Worst Airport Name.” Quebec wants that honor for the field in Saint-Louis-du-Ha-Ha!
(Please note that I didn’t try to make that last sentence more exciting by ending it with an exclamation point. That punctuation is part of the town’s name. It’s a Canadian thing, apparently.)
Finally, there’s this disturbing note. According to the National Wildlife Federation, global warming will soon result in Maine winters with thinner ice, more flooding and less skiing.
Meanwhile, the Casco Bay Estuary Partnership (wait, isn’t Estuary the capital of Canada?) has its own study that shows we’ll soon be experiencing increased coastal flooding, earlier spring thaws and hotter temperatures.
There’s only one possible conclusion to be drawn from these reports:
Canada is stealing our weather.
And, frankly, they can have it.
Al Diamon can be e-mailed at email@example.com, once he finishes chipping the ice off his Internet connection.