Maine Leads the Nation In Stupidity
I’ve had a productive day. This morning, I sold some oceanfront acreage in Millinocket to a nice couple from York. They were a little concerned about the lack of actual water, until I explained that the tide was out.
Later, I met with a group of retirees from Waterville and persuaded them to turn their life savings over to me in return for guaranteed annual returns up to five times what they’re receiving now. One of them asked if this was a Ponzi scheme. “Of course not,” I told them as they wrote out their checks. “If it was, my name would be Ponzi.”
I got a lady in Westbrook to pay me $1,000 to seal her driveway with cheap black paint. I convinced a guy in Presque Isle to give me his credit card number, date of birth, and mother’s maiden name in order to help orphans in the impoverished European nation of Monaco. And I sweet-talked the Portland City Council into buying a sculpture to display in Monument Square. It’s called “Rusty Washing Machine With Assorted Broken Auto Parts And Empty Prescription Drug Bottles.” I charged them $250,000 plus installation expenses.
And don’t get me started on the boobs I’ve gotten elected to high public office.
I could never get away with this stuff in a state like North Dakota. North Dakotans may be the ugliest people in the United States, but they aren’t all that stupid. Folks in Utah wouldn’t give my schemes the time of day, because they’re too busy looking at pornography, which they lead the nation in viewing. I’d get nowhere in Kentucky, which scores number one in the country for corruption, because they’ve already seen every grift there is. And I couldn’t even get anyone in New Mexico to talk to me, which isn’t surprising considering that state is the most anti-social in America.
Maine, however, is a swindler’s paradise. That’s because this state has been rated by the Web site Pleated Jeans.com as the stupidest in the land.
The Pine Tree State earned this distinction based on our abysmally low SAT scores, which look like January outdoor thermometer readings. Also, there was this Jan. 24 news brief in the Portland Press Herald headlined, “Fight over ‘who was crazier’ ends with hammer attack.”
It seems that these two guys in Portland were drinking last Sunday afternoon and arguing about which of them was the bigger whacko. One of them settled the dispute by getting a hammer and hitting his companion on the head with it.
The winner was taken to the Cumberland County Jail. The loser went to Maine Medical Center. I sold them both phony accident insurance policies (“It covers not only hammer attacks, but screwdrivers, saws, and even anvils”) from Black And Blue Cross.
You could dismiss this as an isolated incident, hardly indicative of the intelligence of the entire state. But doing so would be strong evidence that you are even stupider than the average Mainer. In which case, I’d like to sell you some pills that will “enhance” (wink, wink, nod, nod) your sex life, milkshakes that will cause you to lose up to ten pounds of ugly (uglier than the average North Dakotan) fat in one day, and my best-selling book “How to Get Stinking Rich While Getting Stinking Drunk.”
I’ll just need your credit card number.
An even more egregious example of Mainers’ inherent dopiness is that many of them buy products such as Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheats Blueberry Muffins and General Mills’ Total Blueberry Pomegranate cereal. You’d think that people from a place where they grow millions of pounds of blueberries would be able to recognizes the fruit, even after it’s been processed to death and coated in chemical gunk. But the Consumer Wellness Center has discovered otherwise.
According to a study conducted by the center, lots of products that claim to contain blueberries, including the two mentioned above, don’t. Instead, they approximate the taste and texture of the healthful berries by combining sugar, corn syrup, starch, hydrogenated oil, artificial flavors, and blue dye.
Also, that Total Blueberry Pomegranate doesn’t have any pomegranates in it, either.
This inability of Mainers to recognize even blatant misrepresentations is enough to make you want to move far away to someplace like Massachusetts (the worst drivers in the U.S., according to Pleated Jeans.com) or Iowa (the nerdiest state) or Louisiana (first in the republic in cases of gonorrhea per capita).
Or maybe not.
Perhaps there’s still some reason to live here, instead of in Washington state (tops in bestiality).
What if I told you that Maine finally has its own microbrewery producing beer in cans?
Naturally, you’d believe me. You’d take me at my word if I told you they were selling beer in lobster shells or moose bladders. You’re a Mainer. You’re easy to fool.
But the beer-in-cans thing is actually true. The company that’s doing it is Baxter Brewing in Lewiston, and you should definitely invest. I can handle that for you if you just give me your bank account PIN and Social Security number.
Baxter is producing a pale ale and an IPA (which stands for International Ponzi Account), and even though I haven’t tried either one yet, I’m sure they’re perfect for you. That’s because, as one of the numbest people in the country, you naturally prefer to crush your empty beer containers on your forehead. If you’re drinking a Geary’s or a Shipyard, both of which come only in bottles, that can involve complex medical procedures to remove the glass shards from your skull. With Baxter, all you have is that distinctive round bruise above your eyes that tells everyone you encounter that you are way dumber than they are.
I can sympathize with your situation. After all, I’m a Mainer, too, although I had my birth certificate altered to say I was born in New Hampshire (worst corporate taxes in America).
I can get one for you, too. I’ll just need your credit card number and passport.
Al Diamon is smart enough to quit while he’s ahead. He can be contacted care of his attorney or by e-mailing firstname.lastname@example.org.