It now seems likely that Maine will soon have to declare war on the People’s Republic of China.

That’s not a course of action anyone in this state wanted, but it has been forced upon us by Beijing’s belligerence, intransigence, and by those commies saying nasty things about Millinocket.

They could have disparaged lobster. We’d have let it slide.

They could have insulted the moose. Like that beast, we have thick skins.

They could even have gone so far as to question the quality of L.L. Bean products. Return them for a full refund, no questions asked, and zip your lip.

But we draw the line at smearing Millinocket.

And that’s just what a writer in the Global Times, a Chinese newspaper of wide circulation, did. According to the Bangor Daily News, a columnist for the Times said Millinocket is a town where “the biggest kick for kids is hanging out in a supermarket parking lot.” He also claimed the town was an hour’s drive from the nearest movie theater and mall, received a lot of snow every winter, and had a depressed economy. In addition, he had the nerve to call Stearns “a run-of-the-mill high school.”

Most of that is true, but that’s not the point. The real issue is how could a writer for a Chinese newspaper have found out that stuff? He didn’t get it from Stearns officials, who have been busy trying to recruit Chinese students to pay hefty tuition to fill up empty seats in their classrooms. He didn’t get it from state tourism Web sites, which refer to Millinocket as “a meals, supplies, and lodging hub for those visiting Baxter State Park and the wilderness surrounding it.” He didn’t get it from personal observation, because the writer admitted he hadn’t been to Millinocket.

The only answer is he received this intelligence from Chinese agents who have infiltrated Millinocket society and are relaying crucial secrets (“Attention, comrades, the kids in the supermarket parking lot are huffing paint thinner”) to their totalitarian masters half a world away.

Why would they be doing this?

The answer is simple: The Chinese are preparing to invade Millinocket.

Our only hope of thwarting this dastardly plot is to strike first using our deadliest weapons of mass destruction. By which I mean the governor, the state treasurer, and the Legislature (including that state representative that pulled a gun on a guy in a doughnut-shop parking lot). With a new two-year state budget ready for passage and the legislative session about to adjourn, none of those blowhards are needed in Maine. Once the Red Army gets a taste of the rhetoric of the likes of Gov. Paul (Kiss My Butt) LePage, State Treasurer Bruce (Kiss Off The State Retirement System) Poliquin, House Minority Leader Emily (Kiss Off Any Shot I Had At Higher Political Office) Cain and state Rep. Richard (Kiss Me For Introducing More Silly Bills Than Anyone Else) Cebra, they’ll be begging for an armistice.

Nor should Maine be deterred from taking aggressive action just because the writer of the original attack on Millinocket has promised to visit that town next month to see if what he wrote was accurate. This attempt at a negotiated settlement is merely a ploy, meant to confuse us and drain our resolve. We have no time to waste on fruitless talks, because the Chinese are not the only threat we face to Maine’s security. We’ve also seen signs of saber-rattling this week from an even more dangerous enemy:

Canada.

According to a reliable report (no, not a story in the Global Times), a warship of the Royal Canadian Navy has been spotted in the waters off Lubec and Eastport. Which raises an alarming question:

Who knew Canada even had a navy?

Assuming it does, however, we are forced to decide how to respond to this violation of our territorial waters by the military of a country still smarting from losing the Stanley Cup. 

As a first step to securing our borders against this incursion from the Great White North, I suggest we round up the usual suspects, including people who prefer Canadian bacon to the American variety and known drinkers of Molson ale. Once they’ve been contained and interrogated, I suspect we’ll learn that the impetus for this new militarism was Gov. LePage’s signing earlier this week of a bill to roll back many state regulations. 

Without those now-repealed controls, Canadian military leaders fear Maine entrepreneurs will steal away all of their country’s major industries, which include Canadian bacon, Molson ale, and frostbite. There is credible evidence that Canadian intelligence has already established a secret base inside Maine from which to direct an attack designed to reinstate onerous regulations and exterminate production of American bacon. And that base is located in:

No, not Millinocket. Why would anyone want to put a secret compound in a place that’s an hour’s drive from the nearest mall and movie theater? You think foreign agents enjoy hanging out in the supermarket parking lot when they’re off duty?

The secret base is in Bar Harbor. Plenty of convenient shopping, plus malls galore on the nearby mainland. A movie theater within walking distance. And if you really want to hang out in the supermarket parking, lot, they’ve got one of those, too.

Also, Bar Harbor has one of the twenty-five best ice cream spots in the country, according to Food & Wine magazine. That would be Mount Desert Island Ice Cream, where the F&W critics were particularly smitten with the Jack Daniel’s-flavored offering. So good, they said, that it would divert a Canadian foreign agent bent on espionage from his or her mission.

Well, they didn’t actually say that, but you’ve probably noticed that the planned invasion from Canada hasn’t happened. And it won’t for a while. After overdosing on Jack Daniel’s cones, the entire advance force is suffering from ice-cream headaches and bourbon hangovers.

Peace has been achieved through the ruthless use of dairy products laced with whiskey.

The Chinese should be very careful what they say about Millinocket from now on, lest we be forced to turn this awesome weapon upon them.

Al Diamon prefers his Jack Daniel’s straight and his bacon Americanized. He can be emailed at aldiamon@herniahill.net.

The views expressed on this Web site are those of the authors alone and do not necessarily represent the views of Down East Enterprise or its employees.