Every weekday, thousands of innocent children go to school in Maine, seeking the knowledge that will allow them to make explosive devices out of common household chemicals. Their young minds are open to all manner of influences, some positive – such as listening to adults blather on about whether our state’s youth should be allowed to learn that homosexuals exist, living things evolve, and President Obama wants them to work hard – and some negative.

Very negative.

Such as:

The clandestine Iranian effort to develop nuclear weapons at the Songo Locks Elementary School in Naples.

Laugh if you will, but the proof is readily visible for anyone who hasn’t put out both eyes trying to make bombs out of soda bottles and bleach. And even those people can get a friend to read it to them, assuming their hearing has recovered.

To be sure, the clues are subtle. The first one was hidden in a story in the Lewiston Sun Journal about how Maine had one of the highest rates in the nation of unsafe drinking water in its schools.

The Associated Press discovered that the state had more than 400 cases in the last decade of school water supplies tainted with lead, pesticides, and toxins normally associated with the discovery of decaying eyeballs in the well. State officials were quick to reassure the public that the H2O they were pumping into kids was A-OK. In fact, they said, only one school in all of Maine had undrinkable water: Songo Locks Elementary.

And why was it undrinkable?

Well, said the aforementioned state officials, um, er, uh, because it contains a little bit of …

Uranium.

Uranium? Uranium! Did they just say uranium? You could be excused if your eyeballs jumped out of your head and bounced down the nearest well, thereby making its waters as unswallowable as that explanation.

Supposedly, this radioactive material is naturally occurring and will be cleaned up in no time by United Nations inspectors in black helicopters. But I have my doubts. Ever since intelligence reports surfaced that Iran has built a second, secret site to develop nuclear weapons, I’ve been asking the same question I’m sure is on the minds of every person reading this:

If your eyeballs actually popped out of your head, would they really bounce?

Also, this other question: If Iran has a second secret site for refining uranium, might it not have a third? And wouldn’t it make sense to locate that facility in a place where nobody would suspect anything? And have you ever heard of a less suspicious location than Songo Locks Elementary?

Somebody probably should have done a little more probing when the school changed the nickname of its sports teams to the Li’l Ayatollahs.

Perhaps you are the skeptical sort who is not swayed even by such undeniable evidence as I have presented. Perhaps you demand more proof of an Iranian plot to build a nuclear device on the edge of the lake that supplies greater Portland with its precious drinking water. (Save money on electricity because your faucet glows in the dark.) Perhaps you should consider this:

Even as you sit there reading this posting while pretending you’re working on that important report for your boss that was supposed to be turned in yesterday, an elite member of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard may be slinking through the state preparing the way for jihad. That spy will not be easy to spot because she (or, possibly, he) has devised the most fiendish disguise since Michael Jackson’s first round of plastic surgery.

This secret agent is walking among us in the guise of Miss Maine.

According to news reports, the aforementioned beauty queen’s crown has been stolen.
Now ask yourself, what possible reason could anyone have for breaking into the car of Susie Stauble of Gray, the reigning Miss Maine, and swiping her crown if not to use it as a disguise. Without that distinctive headpiece, any idiot would be able to spot the Iranian agent (“yes, officer, she was carrying a scimitar and wearing a burqua with a t-shirt over it that said ‘Death To America.’ And she was missing an eyeball”). But with the crown, the saboteur would be able to penetrate even the most secure facilities (“yes, Miss Maine, this is where the water for the Songo Locks Elementary School comes from. Now, would you like to see where the Pentagon keeps the codes for activating Def Con 4?”).

Ignore these warnings at your peril. For it’s already evident that the unscrupulous Iranian is at work behind the scenes dismantling our American way of life. For instance:

The new Hockey East preseason poll rates the University of Maine Black Bears as eighth out of ten teams in the league.

Eighth? The Vermont College for Students Who Put Out Their Eyeballs Experimenting With Common Household Chemicals is rated sixth. The Songo Locks Li’l Ayatollahs are picked to finish fourth. How could Maine be eighth unless the results are being manipulated by unseen hands (coincidentally, the motto of the Vermont College for SWPOTEEWCHC is “How Can I See My Hands When My Eyeballs Are At The Bottom Of The Well”) to demoralize the population?

More evidence: Some alleged friends of former President George H.W. Bush have given him a gift to honor his service to the country. They’ve placed a big anchor near his Kennebunkport estate.

It has a plaque on it that reads, “Warning: Do Not Poke Anchor Into Your Eyeballs.” The Consumer Product Safety Commission made them do that, because school children on field trips are scheduled to visit the anchor. (Songo Locks Elementary is coming next week.) We can’t be too careful with our kids’ futures.

But the question remains, what is Bush going to do with an anchor. Carry it around with him as a good-luck charm? I think that’s what the Iranians are hoping, because you can imagine how that’s going to work out the next time he decides to go skydiving.

Our final clue involves the Maine jogger banned from Portsmouth, N.H.

Craig O’Brien of Eliot has been charged with disorderly conduct for running around yelling profanities and other insults, including calling somebody – and here I warn you that it’s unavoidable that I employ strong language, which will appear on your screen just as your boss looks over your shoulder to see if you’re really working on that report that was due yesterday – he called somebody “a sissy.”

It’s possible the word “sissy” means something much nastier in Iranian. It’s also possible the person to whom this insult was directed was wearing a tiara that looked suspiciously like the crown Miss Maine lost.

O’Brien remains free on bail and has promised to do his #@*&%! jogging in Maine until his *&<+$#@ case is resolved. During that period, I have some advice for him:

Do not, under any circumstances, refill your water bottle in the vicinity of the Songo Locks Elementary School. And wear eye protection. Those kids are dangerous.

Al Diamon can be e-mailed at  aldiamon@herniahill.net.

The views expressed on this Web site are those of the authors alone and do not necessarily represent the views of Down East Enterprise or its employees.