My Date With Russell Crowe

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Well, Charlie and me went to Bangor to see the new “Robin Hood” movie this weekend, you know, the one with Russell Crowe. See, Charlie’s kind of partial to them “hand to hand combat” movies, and I have a thing for Russell Crowe. You throw in dinner at the Olive Garden beforehand, and it’s a win/win for both of us.

As usual, the Olive Garden was delicious, but I did have a shaky start at the multiplex. The restroom is brandy new, with all the latest conveniences, including those toilets that flush automatically when you’re finished. (Well, theoretically.) Mine flushed while I was still sitting there. I hate that! Feels like you’re sitting on top of Niagara Falls!

Then I go to wash my hands, and everything is all automated there, too, of course. You hold your hands under the faucet and the water starts, like magic. Same with the soap dispenser. Be nice if they had that everywhere.

A while back, the girls and me were taking a field trip, and we stopped at a rest area. I went to three sinks, holding my hands under the faucets, waiting for them to start. I figured they’re broken. Until I looked down and realized, “Oh, for crying out loud! I got to turn the lever!”

Anyways, the movie restroom did not have the automatic hand towel dispensers. You know, the kind that you wave your hand in front of the gizmo and it spits out of piece of paper? Well, sometimes you have to jump up and down and practically stand on your head to get your scrap of paper. No, at the multiplex they had the automatic air dryers for your hands. I’m not talking about the old kind. You know, the ones with all the instructions? “Hit button. Hold hands underneath and rub vigorously.” I saw one once where someone had added a final step, “Wipe hands on pants.”

No, like I said, everything about this multiplex is brand-spanking new, including their air dryers, and they are something! Sure, they get your hands dry, lickety split. But they also sound like a jet plane taking off, and even more disconcerting, the air current is so strong, it blows the skin on your hands around. Basically, it looks like your hands are melting! Or maybe I shouldn’t have had that second glass of wine at the Olive Garden!

So anyways, the movie! We go into the theater and settle down in these ultra comfortable seats to watch the twenty minutes of fun facts and interviews and commercials that have so much going on in them, it’s hard to figure out exactly what they’re selling. Charlie doesn’t much care for that, or the previews. I don’t mind (though they could turn down the volume a little). Charlie actually timed the previews that night. Fifteen minutes, do you believe it? Finally, the featured attraction: “Robin Hood.”

Now, let me say a few words about Russell Crowe. What a hunk! Actually, I like him better than George Clooney. George is too good looking, really. It’s distracting. Russell’s a little rougher around the edges. And he’s got a kind of animal magnetism which is more interesting, in my opinion, and very appealing. Plus, he’s a little beefy, which I like. And that fella can smolder like nobody’s business!

So, the movie? I liked it. Sure, they could have had more sex, less fighting. But it’s a good story, and I love seeing the sparks flying between Russell and Cate Blanchett. On the minus side, it’s one of them bad personal hygiene movies. Meaning, most of the folks look like they smell pretty bad and their teeth are funky. They didn’t do the teeth thing to Russell, though, because the movie makers know which side their bread is buttered on. All in all, using the Women Who Run With the Moose rating system, I give the movie half a Kleenex, (I only shed a tear or two) with bonus points in the hunk department for Russell.

Now, just so you know, there is violence. That doesn’t bother me. It’s all fake, anyways. But as war movies go, this one wasn’t bad. It’s the Middle-Ages, so there’s lots of clanging of swords, grunting and the occasional arrow through the throat.

My husband, Charlie, has his own rating system for movies. He calls it the “Argh Factor.” This is based on how, in battle scenes, they’re always yelling “Argh! as they run into battle. As the credits rolled, Charlie nods his head and give “Robin Hood” at “Double-Argh.” Not bad for a date flick!

That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!

(Listen to the podcast of Ida's column here. [2])