Down East 2013 ©
Caitlin got back from her yoga retreat this week, and like the sweet niece she is, she brought me un petit cadeau. You know, a little present, to let me know she was thinking of me while she was away.
“Oh, Aunt Ida,” she says. “When I called my mom and she told me about the ordeal you had with your computer, I felt so bad. I brought you back little something special.”
It wasn’t a book mark with words of wisdom that guy Rumi (who, is it just me, but I never seem to get what he’s driving at), or a CD of Native American flute music or nothing., No, Caitlin brought me a candy bar, one of those extra large ones with a pretty picture on the wrapper that only come from one of them gourmet candy stores. I’m a major sweet freak, as you may have heard. Why, I’m still pining for that chocolate, caramel, and sea salt tart I had at Sweet Dreams Bakery in Hermon. But I think this candy bar might have even topped that sugary confection, in terms of pure, unadulterated, erotic appeal.
Caitlin gave me (wait for it) a Dark Chocolate Bacon Bar. That’s right, chocolate and bacon, two of my all-time favorite foods, together at last in one candy bar. Pure inspiration! We’re talking applewood bacon and alderwood smoked salt mixed into chocolate. Sounds almost obscene, doesn’t it? And Caitlin thoughtfully got me the dark chocolate bar, because it’s good for your heart.
Well, no need to stand on ceremony, I scoffed my Chocolate Bacon bar down handily, savoring each salty sweet bite. (It was hard, but I did save a square of it for Charlie.) Then I went on line and ordered some for the girls. I got the Mini Chocolate Bacon Bar Library (nine bars: five dark chocolate and four milk chocolate). They must have been joking when they wrote in the order box, “Consume within six months.” More like, “Inhale immediately!” While I was on the Web site, I just happened to see they also had Bacon, Carmel Toffee, and a Bacon Chocolate Chip Pancake Mix. Who could resist? Well, that was a quick $50, plus shipping. Brought me right back to my homeshopping networkaholic days!
Then, I got sort of possessed, like can happen on the internet. I started looking around for other bacon stuff, and found Baconnaise. That’s right: bacon-flavored mayonnaise. The same guys also have bacon-flavored salt, ranch dressing, and microwave popcorn. And get this, mailing envelopes, that when you lick them, taste like bacon! Not real bacon, of course. Their stuff was only bacon flavored, and vegan and kosher to boot. I ordered the envelopes for our Yankee Swap in December (It’s never too early to start thinking about Christmas) and a couple of jars of the Baconnaise, just to try it: one for me and one for Caitlin. She’s a vegetarian, but she’s confessed to me more than once how she misses the taste of bacon.
“Caitlin,” I says, “there ain’t nothing you can do about it. We’re Franco-American. Pork is the food of our people!” We have pork pies at Christmas, roast pork for Sunday dinner, pork chops for supper, pork spread on toast for breakfast, sausage and bacon for any meal of the day. We’re not fussy! You grow up eating pork, and pork feels like home.
But I have to confess, that Chocolate Bacon Bar was in a class all it’s own. That thing was so good, afterwards I needed a cigarette, and I don’t even smoke!
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
(Listen to the podcast of Ida's column here .)