Python is the New Leopard

Fall has been playing footsie with summer for weeks now, and you know what? Summer’s ready to put on some socks. Sure, the days warm up pretty good, but the mornings are nippy. Truth be told, there have been a few times when I’ve turned the heat on a smidge, just to take the edge off. Don’t tell Charlie!

If you’re like me, making that transition from summer to fall clothes is, well, problematic. My summer wardrobe is just more forgiving: sundresses, sandals, shorts with elastic waists. Throw in all those summer barbeques, picnics, visits from relatives and trips to the DQ, and the prospect of squeezing back into my jeans is a little daunting.

So the Women Who Run with the Moose (me and my friends Celeste, Rita, Betty, Dot and Shirley) went on a little shopping adventure down to the Bangor Mall this past weekend; you know, to help us ease into this summer/fall transition. We were looking to update our wardrobe with the latest trends. You know, do a little color blocking, get a cross-body bag, snag some jewel-tone tops and throw in an animal print accessory or two for good measure. Actually, we were shopping for fat jeans.

As coincidence would have it, all of us except Rita, who’s a peanut, found that our jeans had somehow mysteriously shrunk since we put ‘em away last spring. Sure, I can still zip mine up, but when I sit down, we’re talking beyond muffin top. I mean, I’ve got more of a ciabatta bread thing goin’ on, and that’s not good. Tight clothes make me feel fat, and contrary to all reason, that just makes me want to eat more. The way I see it, short of actually going on a diet and exercising more, buying new clothes is one of the best things I can do for my overall good health!

Shopping with the girls is always a hoot. God, we have fun! It doesn’t take much to get us going. This time it was something Betty said as we were browsing ‘round Macy’s. You know, she’s always up on the latest thing. So Betty goes, “I read the other day that python is the new leopard.”

“You’re kidding, right?” Shirley replies.

“I wouldn’t joke about something like this. See, animal prints are still big, and leopard’s OK, but if you really want to be with it, get some python print.”

“While we’re on this,” I says, “tell me, is brown still the new black?”

Celeste chimes in, “Nope, I read that gray’s the new black, and fuchsia is the new red.”

“Fuchsia’s hard for me,” I says. “Makes me look sallow.”

“But listen, Ida, I also read that royal blue is in, and that’s a great color on you.”

Dottie goes, “Royal blue’s the new what?”

“Emerald green, I think,” Rita pipes up. “Or maybe it’s the new teal.”

Shirley jumps in, “In any case, I’m going over to the customer service desk, that’s the new checkout, and buy these jeans.”

“Sounds good, Shirley,” I reply. “You know, normally, I’d be depressed about buying these size fourteens, but I hear fourteen’s the new ten.”

“Right!” Betty chimes in. “And now they’re saying sixty’s the new forty!”

“I feel younger just thinking about that!” Celeste says. “Hey, are we still planning on going to that new George Clooney movie this afternoon?”

“Just try to stop us!”

So we’re heading out the door of Macy’s when Rita stops.

“What is it Rita? You forget something?”

“I’m thinking ‘bout George Clooney. He’s the new who?”

“Clark Gable,” Shirley replies, without skipping a beat. “Come on girls, let’s grab a bite first.”

“Yes, we need some protein even out the sugar, so we don’t get cranky from eating those movie size boxes of candy.”

At the Longhorn Steakhouse, we all had cheeseburgers and fries, with an onion blossom thrown in for good measure. Really hit the spot!

Betty quips, “Wish this was the new health food.”

That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!

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