Fill-in Finds the LePage and Blodgett Connection

(Editor’s note: DownEast.com apologizes in advance for this edition of the Week in Review. At the last moment before deadline, the regular writer of this feature decided that if Paul LePage, the governor of Maine, could abruptly take off for Jamaica for a week’s vacation, so could he. As a result, we’ve had to scramble to come up with somebody to cover this important assignment, but we’re pleased to announce that the guy who normally handles publicity for University of Maine women’s basketball coach Cindy Blodgett suddenly found himself with some extra time on his hands and graciously offered to fill in. We apologize for any inconvenience and hope you’ll excuse any minor variations in style or content until our regular writer returns and gets the rum out of his system.)

Uh, thanks. Hello to all regular readers of this blog, which has always been a big favorite of mine, ever since yesterday, when I heard they needed somebody to write it. Although my normal occupation is doing public relations, I’ll try not to let my personal or professional prejudices enter into my work here.

Well, let’s get to the most important story of the week, which without a doubt is:

THE HORRIBLE TRAVESTY OF THE FIRING OF UMAINE WOMEN’S BASKETBALL COACH CINDY BLODGETT!!!!!  [1]

Blodgett, as I’m sure you’re aware, is a Maine icon for her fabulous high school and college careers, which took place roughly a thousand years ago. Since then, she’s been a mediocre professional player and the coach of a series of horrible teams.

But that wasn’t her fault. Blodgett, who won four games this season and lost twenty-five, was victimized by, uh … wait, I’ll come up with something … er, how about … trace amounts of radiation released by those crippled Japanese nuclear plants.

No, really, it’s been detected here in northern New England. [2] It could be having some kind of adverse effect on basketball players. Although, now that I think about it, doesn’t exposure to nukes usually turn people into monsters with enormous strength and the ability to leap hundreds of feet? You know, like the Incredible Hulk. [3]

Even I have to admit there’s been no sign of those kinds of side effects among members of the Black Bears.

Still, the possibility of some kind of contamination that affects athletes cannot be discounted. After all, the Maine Red Claws [4]are wrapping up another mediocre season in Portland, having again failed to make the NBA Development League playoffs, after heartbreaking losses to the Dubuque Nursing Home Patients and the San Antonio Cadavers. A Red Claws spokesman wanted to make sure my readers know that not all the Dubuque players actually live in nursing homes (“Some of them are in assisted living”) and no member of the San Antonio team has officially been pronounced dead.

Naturally, there’s considerable speculation about whether the Red Claws will make a coaching change, so I’ll just take this opportunity to float Cindy Blodgett’s name for the job. I understand the Portland Expo has excellent radiation shielding, unlike the Orono facility, which glows in the dark like Godzilla’s fins.

Speaking of Godzilla, I know the regular writer of this feature is a big fan of the giant Japanese reptile, so I imagine he’s excited about the release of a new series of Godzilla comic books. [5] But what’s particularly interesting is that one of the seventy-five or so variant covers of the first issue will show the monster destroying UMaine Athletic Director Steve Abbott, the bastard who fired Cindy Blodgett and cost me my career.

Sorry, I allowed personal issues to color my news judgment. Mr. Abbott isn’t really a bastard, and I hope this one little slip won’t color the recommendation I so desperately need from him.

In any case, what Godzilla is destroying on the comic-book cover is Bull Moose Music in Scarborough.  [6] He always hated that place because one of the clerks once made a disparaging remark about the “Son of Godzilla” [7] movie. Which even I have to admit was a bigger dog than the UMaine women’s basketball team.

But who needs some overgrown lizard when Maine has a monster all its own. On March 26, scientists in South Portland created the world’s largest whoopie pie. [8] It weighed more than a thousand pounds, far surpassing the previous record holder, a mere 250-pounder from Pennsylvania (maybe they can call themselves the “Son of Whoopie Pie State”).

The only problem with the event was that radiation believed to have originated in Japan caused the whoopie pie to come alive and rampage across the landscape. After destroying Bull Moose Music, Steve Abbott, and whatever credibility this poor, unemployed writer had left, the sugary dessert-creature (or as the Legislature has officially termed it [9], “treat”) attacked an organic vegetable stand and a Weight Watchers meeting.

The mutated confection was lured back into captivity only when it was promised a tryout with the Maine Red Claws. As a team official put it, “The thing can’t shoot or jump, but it does lumber along faster than anybody on our current roster. And there’s always a chance an opposing player will stick to it.”

Finally, we come to the news item that resulted, however indirectly, in my filling in on this blog: the tropical vacation of Gov. LePage.  [10]

While it’s highly unusual for Maine’s governor to take time off during an important legislative session, LePage’s decision to do so is understandable in light of the controversy over the mural [11]he had removed from the state Department of Labor. Not only is moving that thing a lot of work, but now the governor has to find a new home for it. After conventional efforts, such as advertising in Uncle Henry's, [12] failed, LePage was forced to seek foreign buyers. I’m told by the regular writer of this feature that the vacation story is just a cover (“What politician would be stupid enough to announce he deserves a week in the sun after working for less than three months?”). The truth is LePage is negotiating a deal whereby Jamaica will take the mural off his hands in return for a decent college women’s basketball coach, two adequate NBA-D league players, and a case of the island’s finest rum.

Our regular writer returns next week, tanned, rested and ready. In the meantime, if you’d like a copy of the replacement’s resume, email aldiamon@herniahill.net [13].